Tag Archives: ellagangsta rocks

Are 2 vaginas 1 too many? (or how it’s a good idea to c(o)unt)

Yo yo yo, what up daaaawgggs? It’s all up here in ma hood – no surprises on dat one!

So it’s been a while since I was up in yo hood… I’d love to say the reason for ma absence is that I’ve been busy with ma 2 vaginas. That would, however, be an epic, phaaat lie… and yo know how I’d hate to lie to yo babay! Turns out ima one of the unfortunate few, who’s only blessed with 1. Perhaps this is why I’m not a YouTube star?

The question “why am I not a YouTube star” is actually a good one. And, in fact, a question I’ve been spendin’ lotsa time pondering about lately.

WHY AM I NOT A YOUTUBE STAR?

There are quite a few potential reasons for this, and as I was bending myself and ma single vagina over, around, and hell, even backwards, trying to figure it out, I ended up asking maself, “is it because I only have 1 vagina?” And then, I finally saw the light! Yeyo, it’s done. Dusted. Settled – Deal. Naturally ma lack of YouTube stardom is due to ma lack of multiple vaginas! Big DUH on dat one! Tis indeed nice to finally have an answer to this injustice…

… there are however a bunch of YouTube stars out there, some of, blessed with 2 vaginas and all. One of them is the lovely, 2-vaginal woman Cassandra Bankson. Cassandra suffers from the condition Uterus didelphys, which affects a massive 0.1-0.5% of women.

Compare these impressive numbers with men’s equivalent, Diphallia – outta all the men in da whole wide world, there are only 0.0000001% of ‘em blessed with 2 penises! (see what I did there, said women suffer and men are blessed – just testin’ to see if yo got yo feminism ON!). So ya, cunting numbers and all, this is clearly not a good example of the saying “too many dicks on the dancefloor”.

Anyhoo, go watch the vid, and listen to Cassandra’s story – EDUCATE YOSELF FFS – it’s not all fun and games to have 2 vaginas!

As for us, ma ultra-exciting life and I are happy with the one we’ve got, gotta go and make the most outta it now! Stay tuned mofos…!!!

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Slut (or how all good things come to an end and I predict what’s UP in 2015)

Robust vaginal knitting

So ya, 2014 is slut, (obviously “slut” means end, finished, over, finito in Swedish… Duh), and 2015 has offici-to-da-ally begun. It’s, (no surprises there), already been a blast, involving 27 pieces of amazo sushi in MA MOUTH. So yep, 2015 is looking UP!

And here comes what yo been’ waiting for… Gangsta drum-roll-beat happenin’… ellagangsta’s predictions fo a year that is mos def not (a) slut:

(Unfort I got ma 1st predictión wrong, turns out ma NYE blast kept on keepin’ on a lil longer than humanly possible – sorry ’bout dat!)

1. I predict gangsta-ladies around da world are gonna start knitting through their vaginas. That’s rite! Who would not wanna spend an extensive amount of days (28 for example – or how ’bout all day everyday foreva eva eva eva???) knitting from wool that’s inserted in their vagina??? Let’s face it, if yo ass take a good hard look at a vulva, yo realise it’s just a bit of a body – there’s nothin’ that’s shockin’ or scary, or you know, nothing’s gonna run out and beat yo ass UP.

It’s fairly simple too, stick it UP and pull OUT. It’s a pretty robust area we’re talkin’ ’bout here, so ya, no wokkas on dat 1! If yo keep at it there will also be a couple of special days dat will add that X-tra color to it too (yo is most welcome fo dat tip!) Red is, after all, da color of love.

So ya, let’s spread (PUN INTENDED) some gangsta love and start wovin’ FTWWW. If yo is ready to start knitting through yo vulva, you can watch this clip fo some more instructions and inspiration!

That it’s taken us to 2015 to figure this one out is quite surprising really.

2. Always gotta do a PL prediction, was in fact the only one I got rite last year… not happy bout’ dat one, and will mos def be very happy if ima wrong bout dis one… but yep. Reckon’ groco Chelski will win da Premier League dis year. UGH.

3. Hopful Brewing will keep on keepin’ on makin’ amazo beerios dat I (and everyone else lucky enough to get da honour to try it) love. Apart from perfectin’ ma fav beer Sexytipsy even mo (is DAT EVEN POSSIBLE me wonders???), they’ll also make da world a much better place when they release their soon-to-be-success-and-awesomeness-in-general-deluxe latest additión ellagangsta beer. It’s gonna be some fruitful and nutty flavas in dat one!

4. The gyms will be empty come Feb. #factoflifepresented

5. As fo astro predictions, I can tell yo white ass rite now – all yo dreams will come through in 2015!!! Yep, ima not a deliverererrrer of da bad newzzz in 2015. Epic fiesta and congrats on dat 1 bro. It’s in particular most def gonna be an ultra-easy cosmic cruise through April to September. Just sayin’. #thankSmelaterzzzzbro

6. I will have to get maself a new Mac @ some point. Ma current 1 can barely keep on keepin’ up with ma gangsta blog rappin’skillzzz. #macwanker

7. #7 WILL REMAIN DA BEST numba EVA. EVA EVA EVA EVA. (AND will still follow 6 and precede 8 … ??? !!!).

Alrite, on dat note ima gonna go back to ma ultra exciting life. It’s kinda extra-ultra-excitin’ rite now to be honest. So ya, stay tuned, always mo rappin’ comin’ atcha from this lil’ gangsta! Peace OUT!

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Ma girl crush/Oranges + men = 1 (or how ima sharing the secret to eternal youth with ya’ll)

ellagangstaextensions

ellagangstaextensions

So, still cold in ma hood it appears – no surprises there. Harsh reality galore. Luckily enough I’ve got a new crush to keep me warm these days…. Her name is Yvonne and she is pretty and lovely and inspiring and just… hmmm, what’s the word I’m lookin’ fo here?

A M A Z I N G.

Kinda funny story actually, I first met her in da elevator at work, and she’s always lookin’ so fresh, so clean (as ma bros in Outkast would word it), and she is always supa-lovely and happy. So yep, become one of ma lil’ highlights of ma days, to see- and interact with this broad in da elevators… so naturally a crush developed. Images of her constantly Flickers in ma head-kinda-thang. Which is un ultra-nice aspect of ma ultra-exciting life. Anyhoo, was tellin’ ma boss-crush, (which happens to be ma boss, who I still have no chance in hell with… but hey, still coolio to have two crushes in the one building I spend most of ma days in FTWWW), about this amazing woman. I described both her-, and ma feelings towards her, and he goes, “C’MON lil’ gangsta – don’t you know who that is?” I responded, a bit perplexed, I must add, “NO.” I mean, sure she looked familiar in some ways, but just thought it’s cause she’s so lovely and beautiful and I felt as if we had some sort of connection, and that is why da good ol’ familiar feeling came creepin’ on unda ma wanna-be-in-da-sun-all-da-time-and-therefore-black-skin… Anyhoo, turns out she is Miss fucking Universe…!!!! In Sweden-town we only ever had three Miss Universes:

1955 – Hillevi Rombin

1966 – Margareta Arvidsson

1984 – Yvonne Ryding

So guess who ma Misses U is? Lucky #3 muttafukkas! And I belive there is an explanation to her ultra-supa-extraordinare-freshness – the secret to eternal youth perhaps perhaps – she now works with her own skincare line. What can I say, CLEARLY IT WORKS.

Apart from crushing ma crushes, I’ve also been crushin’ fruit in ma kitchen of late. Tonite when I got home I went on a mission to make massive amounts of smoothies, involving a bunch of fruit (duh). Basically lotsa celery, apples, kiwis etc., (won’t go into too much detail as this is no fucking food-blog – gangsta remember…!), but I must mention that it involved nothing less than 7 blood oranges and 7 regular oranges. I do believe the regular oranges were Spanish, not sure bout the origin of da blood ones.

To think of it, I kinda treat, and think of oranges the very same way I treat, and think of men. Don’t care much bout the origin – if they taste good I’m happy to put ‘em in ma mouth. Sometimes they may look a bit off… and then I usually politely refuse… or I still go for it, but then end up in an awkward spitting-out-situation, which is not healthy for anyone’s self-confidence, neither orange, nor man… also makes me feel a bit sicklish, so in general that is not something I’d recommend to maself, or anyone else for that matter. But ya, origin is neva an issue when it comes to me. To think of it, oranges and men do have lotsa things in common:

For one, there is the issue of seed(s), and there is also the fact that both oranges and men tend to smell very good, amongst a wide range of other shared attributes and qualities. Basically, I like oranges and men a lot, for many different, mutual reasons.

But alrite alrite, bit of a classic off-the-topic-scenario happening here… As you were: Fruit. So yeah, turns out I left my smoothie bottles, I need for ma smoothie machine, at work, so now ima stuck in a serious fruit-salad-gone-wrong-massacre in ma lil’ kitchen, (this funnily enough makes me think of one of ma ex hubbies, who strangely enough isn’t *Moroccan. We used to call him Fruity. Hens the ex-factor when it comes to him in particular). (*Even though I tend to not focus on origin of ma men and/or oranges, most of ma ex-hubbies are Moroccan, since I happened to marry a bunch of ‘em in less than 24 hours… blogged bout that one –  do yo homework homie).

But yes, plenty’o fruit in ma kitchen tonite, deffo some sorta party goin’ on. I should probs not be rude, and instead go on and join it, while it’s still fresh (if ima lucky it’ll be as fresh as ma Miss U).

For those of yos who’re into ellagangstaextensions, there’s a good one today, I will no doubt fall asleep pondering bout how I’d possibly be able to reveal all ma insecurities on ma tiny amounts of skin – not so much space, and epic amounts of inc is ,indeed, a challenge I must face one of these days.

Ultra-exciting life much? da peeps ask me from time to time. “Hellz yeah, ultra-exciting galore“, is ma humble response. Stay tuned.

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How I infiltrated the Swedish police force… :

It was all very simple. I decided I was gonna sleep in a bed cupboard owned by a Swedish police officer. This is indeed a perfect, (and, might I add), very clever way of achieving Swedish police force infiltration galore. Naturally this involves receiving massive amounts of Swedish police documentation in THE mail (that’s right bitches, mail still exists – OFFLINE ). From time to time I’ll pick this documentation UP, and look at it – if that’s not infiltrating the Swedish police force, I don’t know what is?

All this Swedish-police-force-intelligence I receive in my mail, and into my brain while in my bed cupboard, is very much the opposite to the gangsta-hood I come from, and  in some ways I feel privileged, like I’ve been given a second chance – an amazing opportunity –  the opportunity to get outta da hood, to be a part of something bigger than me – bigger than all of us perhaps?

Thing is though, it’s fucking boring. Will give me a bad sleep at it’s best. So yup. I’ve decided to infiltrate less, and to just….. wait for it…. EXFILTRATE MORE!!! Also, here is an image of an amazing bonfire/firework sesh I went to tonight – good times had by all, to say the least (of course the Swedish police force showed up, no surprises there – I clearly know what they’re up to by now…). YUP, I have an ultra-exciting life. Stay tuned.

Bonfire-firework party?

A bonfire and fireworks = party.

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