So ya, it’s pretty fucking dark in da Swedo hood right ‘bout now. Sure we finally got some snow, but it’s still dark as hell most of da time, which kinda suits a gangsta in some ways. But in some ways it’s just not very much gangsta at all. So instead of discussing my climate disorder issues, I wanna talk bout anotha gangsta, who mos def has been going through some dark shit too. Da question of da mo is, what da hell happened to Coolio…. ? Ima sure ya’ll been pondering bout this one from time to time…lucky you, you got ellagangsta to tell it how it is – to yo FACE!
So after walking through da valley of da shadow of death, while takin’ a good ol’ look at his life, and realizing there was not much left, probs cause he’d been blastin’ and laughin’ so long, that even his mama thought his mind was gone, he decided it was time to make some changes. While makin’ these changes, he naturally did not cross one single man, or woman, who did not deserve it. No surprises there.
But ya, he was sick’n tired of being treated like a punk – clearly that treatment was not called for. So what did Mr CoolYo do? Yup, this G, da lil’ homies wanted to be like, decided to make an ultra-smart career move, (FYI, this is after he was dropped by Tommy Boy Records, and also managed to tattoo a misspelling on his precious skin), he basically got on his knees in da nite, while sayin’ prayers to da street lights. His prayers was answered and he got to be one of da house-homies on Celebrity Big Bro. This is obviously HUGE. And it was a great success, which resulted in him appearing on anotha Big Bro event, this time it was da ULTIMATE Big Bro.
However, this educated fool with money on his mind, could clearly not live a normal life, since he was raised by da strip, and ended up bein’ removed from da show, due to… WAIT FOR IT… Unacceptable behaviour towards peeps who just weren’t gangsta enough. The way things were goin’ at this late stage… I don’t know. But CoolYo knew, he had to be down with da hood team, and decided it was bout time to find out what was really goin’ on in da kitchen. He did not know what was cookin’, so he took matters into his own hands, and decided it was time to… WAIT FOR IT… cook! Yeyo, this G was no fool, next destination was a Celebrity Cook-Off. Turned out to be a great success, where he ended up bein’ the runner up, raising ten thousand dollars for charity. His menu featured a variety of dishes, mainly consisting of different versions of fried chicken. Some of them were perhaps a bit debatable, but regardless, great success.
Once finished with his fried chicken extravaganza, he still felt incomplete. It was like no one understood-, or could reach him. He felt he was outta luck and everyone was a fool.
Clearly no fool, as previously mentioned, he made the wise decision to appear on the renowned and respected show Wife Swap. Unfortunately his GF left him once the show was recorded… but hey, you win some, you lose some, right? Ain’t no thang for Mr CoolYO. After all, this G has achieved a lot, including producing 6 mini G’s from four diffo intercourse-ships, successfully bullriding a woman (is it just me, or WTF does that even mean???), punching a GF in da face & being charged for it, and appearing the epic show Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Woah, I feel so much better right now. Who cares ‘bout da darkness…? Things could clearly be worse. Lovin’ ma ultra-exciting life. Stay tuned.