Category Archives: ellagangsta

How I know whatcha lazy hungover ass will be doin’ tomoz (or how ima already predictin’ & postin’ like a 2015 pro)

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Yo yo yooooooo – Merry fuckin’ New Year to all gangstas out there! Ima currently havin’ a blast at ma fav bar in Stockers, with some of ma fav peeps in da whole wide hoooood! Bar is shut, so we quite literally OWN this shit fo 1 nite ONLY!!!

So ya, bein’ an optimizin’ gangsta I reckon yo’ll will be more of in a receivin’ mode tomoz while on da couch stuffin’ yo hungover face with pizza…!!!!

Have a blast tonite & consider yo ass lucky yo got ma ultra-gangsta-supa-psycho-psychic predictions to look forward to tomoz!

Ma ultra-excitin’ life is peakin’ rite bout now, stay tuned and I’ll see yo in, what will be, the best year eva eva eva eva!!!!!!!

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My naprapath is ultra-supa-hot (or how ima da one receiving a good rub fo once)

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So, ya, ma shoulder’s been really sore of late. So I had to go to see ma naprapath today. To say he is fairly good lookin’ would be the understatement of da century. And he also has the bestest, strongest hands I’ve ever seen (or felt on ma body for that matter). The fact that I have to pay, for him to touch me, does not bother me one bit. I’m good for the money. And he is. Good.

And he is also the poster boi – literally – for the naprapath center. Only saw the pics when I got there today. And I was like, “Woah”, and then, when realizing, there on the poster, lookin’ ultra-fresh as per usual, was the man I pay to touch ma body, I was like “WOAH”.

Felt extra good today I must say. And for the record, this is probs one of the few times I’m not writing anything even remotely close to fiction in ma blog. In fact, it’s all 100% fucktual (pun intended FTWWW).

Ultra-exciting life for me today. Stay tuned.

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Ma girl crush/Oranges + men = 1 (or how ima sharing the secret to eternal youth with ya’ll)

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So, still cold in ma hood it appears – no surprises there. Harsh reality galore. Luckily enough I’ve got a new crush to keep me warm these days…. Her name is Yvonne and she is pretty and lovely and inspiring and just… hmmm, what’s the word I’m lookin’ fo here?

A M A Z I N G.

Kinda funny story actually, I first met her in da elevator at work, and she’s always lookin’ so fresh, so clean (as ma bros in Outkast would word it), and she is always supa-lovely and happy. So yep, become one of ma lil’ highlights of ma days, to see- and interact with this broad in da elevators… so naturally a crush developed. Images of her constantly Flickers in ma head-kinda-thang. Which is un ultra-nice aspect of ma ultra-exciting life. Anyhoo, was tellin’ ma boss-crush, (which happens to be ma boss, who I still have no chance in hell with… but hey, still coolio to have two crushes in the one building I spend most of ma days in FTWWW), about this amazing woman. I described both her-, and ma feelings towards her, and he goes, “C’MON lil’ gangsta – don’t you know who that is?” I responded, a bit perplexed, I must add, “NO.” I mean, sure she looked familiar in some ways, but just thought it’s cause she’s so lovely and beautiful and I felt as if we had some sort of connection, and that is why da good ol’ familiar feeling came creepin’ on unda ma wanna-be-in-da-sun-all-da-time-and-therefore-black-skin… Anyhoo, turns out she is Miss fucking Universe…!!!! In Sweden-town we only ever had three Miss Universes:

1955 – Hillevi Rombin

1966 – Margareta Arvidsson

1984 – Yvonne Ryding

So guess who ma Misses U is? Lucky #3 muttafukkas! And I belive there is an explanation to her ultra-supa-extraordinare-freshness – the secret to eternal youth perhaps perhaps – she now works with her own skincare line. What can I say, CLEARLY IT WORKS.

Apart from crushing ma crushes, I’ve also been crushin’ fruit in ma kitchen of late. Tonite when I got home I went on a mission to make massive amounts of smoothies, involving a bunch of fruit (duh). Basically lotsa celery, apples, kiwis etc., (won’t go into too much detail as this is no fucking food-blog – gangsta remember…!), but I must mention that it involved nothing less than 7 blood oranges and 7 regular oranges. I do believe the regular oranges were Spanish, not sure bout the origin of da blood ones.

To think of it, I kinda treat, and think of oranges the very same way I treat, and think of men. Don’t care much bout the origin – if they taste good I’m happy to put ‘em in ma mouth. Sometimes they may look a bit off… and then I usually politely refuse… or I still go for it, but then end up in an awkward spitting-out-situation, which is not healthy for anyone’s self-confidence, neither orange, nor man… also makes me feel a bit sicklish, so in general that is not something I’d recommend to maself, or anyone else for that matter. But ya, origin is neva an issue when it comes to me. To think of it, oranges and men do have lotsa things in common:

For one, there is the issue of seed(s), and there is also the fact that both oranges and men tend to smell very good, amongst a wide range of other shared attributes and qualities. Basically, I like oranges and men a lot, for many different, mutual reasons.

But alrite alrite, bit of a classic off-the-topic-scenario happening here… As you were: Fruit. So yeah, turns out I left my smoothie bottles, I need for ma smoothie machine, at work, so now ima stuck in a serious fruit-salad-gone-wrong-massacre in ma lil’ kitchen, (this funnily enough makes me think of one of ma ex hubbies, who strangely enough isn’t *Moroccan. We used to call him Fruity. Hens the ex-factor when it comes to him in particular). (*Even though I tend to not focus on origin of ma men and/or oranges, most of ma ex-hubbies are Moroccan, since I happened to marry a bunch of ‘em in less than 24 hours… blogged bout that one –  do yo homework homie).

But yes, plenty’o fruit in ma kitchen tonite, deffo some sorta party goin’ on. I should probs not be rude, and instead go on and join it, while it’s still fresh (if ima lucky it’ll be as fresh as ma Miss U).

For those of yos who’re into ellagangstaextensions, there’s a good one today, I will no doubt fall asleep pondering bout how I’d possibly be able to reveal all ma insecurities on ma tiny amounts of skin – not so much space, and epic amounts of inc is ,indeed, a challenge I must face one of these days.

Ultra-exciting life much? da peeps ask me from time to time. “Hellz yeah, ultra-exciting galore“, is ma humble response. Stay tuned.

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From da Gangsta’s Paradise to Big Bro to Celebrity Cook-Off (or how Coolio walked through da valley of da shadow of death)

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So ya, it’s pretty fucking dark in da Swedo hood right ‘bout now. Sure we finally got some snow, but it’s still dark as hell most of da time, which kinda suits a gangsta in some ways. But in some ways it’s just not very much gangsta at all. So instead of discussing my climate disorder issues, I wanna talk bout anotha gangsta, who mos def has been going through some dark shit too. Da question of da mo is, what da hell happened to Coolio…. ? Ima sure ya’ll been pondering bout this one from time to time…lucky you, you got ellagangsta to tell it how it is – to yo FACE!

So after walking through da valley of da shadow of death, while takin’ a good ol’ look at his life, and realizing there was not much left, probs cause he’d been blastin’ and laughin’ so long, that even his mama thought his mind was gone, he decided it was time to make some changes. While makin’ these changes, he naturally did not cross one single man, or woman, who did not deserve it. No surprises there.

But ya, he was sick’n tired of being treated like a punk – clearly that treatment was not called for. So what did Mr CoolYo do? Yup, this G, da lil’ homies wanted to be like, decided to make an ultra-smart career move, (FYI, this is after he was dropped by Tommy Boy Records, and also managed to tattoo a misspelling on his precious skin), he basically got on his knees in da nite, while sayin’ prayers to da street lights. His prayers was answered and he got to be one of da house-homies on Celebrity Big Bro. This is obviously HUGE. And it was a great success, which resulted in him appearing on anotha Big Bro event, this time it was da ULTIMATE Big Bro.

However, this educated fool with money on his mind, could clearly not live a normal life, since he was raised by da strip, and ended up bein’ removed from da show, due to… WAIT FOR IT… Unacceptable behaviour towards peeps who just weren’t gangsta enough. The way things were goin’ at this late stage… I don’t know. But CoolYo knew, he had to be down with da hood team, and decided it was bout time to find out what was really goin’ on in da kitchen. He did not know what was cookin’, so he took matters into his own hands, and decided it was time to… WAIT FOR IT… cook! Yeyo, this G was no fool, next destination was a Celebrity Cook-Off. Turned out to be a great success, where he ended up bein’ the runner up, raising ten thousand dollars for charity. His menu featured a variety of dishes, mainly consisting of different versions of fried chicken. Some of them were perhaps a bit debatable, but regardless, great success.

Once finished with his fried chicken extravaganza, he still felt incomplete. It was like no one understood-, or could reach him. He felt he was outta luck and everyone was a fool.

Clearly no fool, as previously mentioned, he made the wise decision to appear on the renowned and respected show Wife Swap. Unfortunately his GF left him once the show was recorded… but hey, you win some, you lose some, right? Ain’t no thang for Mr CoolYO. After all, this G has achieved a lot, including producing 6 mini G’s from four diffo intercourse-ships, successfully bullriding a woman (is it just me, or WTF does that even mean???), punching a GF in da face & being charged for it, and appearing the epic show Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Woah, I feel so much better right now. Who cares ‘bout da darkness…? Things could clearly be worse. Lovin’ ma ultra-exciting life. Stay tuned.

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Yo is naked in ma face (or how ima already practicing new skillzzz in da new year)

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So, ima already on like 72+ h’s of da NY, and clearly dat means alot has happened… can’t really go into details of too many things, since it’s pretty late, and let’s face it, this gangsta’s gotta work fo da dolla dolla bill y’all, early as… but one thing i’ve started already this year is learning ma sweet ass some cool ass skillzzzzz. One of da first one being da one ima gonna explain to yo in this lil’ blog post, (yep, ima fast learner, no surprises there, but figured this was da most news-worthy one, outta all da skillzzz ive already added to ma very skillfull self this year). So yup, here we go: I see things. Always have, always will. I’m so fucking special like dat. So thought about it, and kinda felt it’d be a good idea to see what i wanna see. Thought bout it some more. Very thoughtful process i must add. Ima also a very thoughtful gangsta creature, as it turns out. Then I just thought what da most coolest, most pure thing would be. I thought of things such as love, birth etc. Heureka mo galore happened. So yep. Practiced fo bout 3 hours and 77 mins. And now I see yo white ass, just as yo was born. Quite literally. Yep. I see yo skin. I have the skillz of seein’ naked peeps. I can already reveal, just like anything else, it’s both a blessin’ and a curse. But hey, that’s life. And ma one happens to be ultra-exciting. 2014 is gonna be a loooooong year flyin’ by. Don’t forget to click on da ellagangstaextension – just as yo should never forget I see yo. Naked. Stay tuned.

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Happy New Year’s ya’ll (or how I wish yo ass a happy NY wit da 2014 mos relevant predictions fo da year 2014)

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So, Happy New Year to all yo gangstas out there! It’s been a lil’ longer than usual inbetween da ellagangsta blogs, only cause it takes a long time to predict lotsa things…. As ima sure yo ass is aware of, this year has come to an end. If yo weren’t – consider yoself INFORMED. This naturally means a new year will start. So I’ve put on my psycho-psychic hat, and hat-ON, sharing ma well-educated predictions fo 2-to-da-thousandfourteen.

All 2014 of ’em. En-the-fucking-joy!

1. Edward Snowden will officially be declared the new Mandela, and it’ll be an epic party.

2. Man City will win the Premier League (nothin’ ima happy to predict…. But how it is yo).

3. Peeps will get more sick of/less addicted to FB when the new video-ads are rolled out (“I can’t wait for the auto start video ads!” said no one. Ever).

4. Da ellagansta blog will keep on keepin’ on and yo lazy ass will get more addicted by da minute. Not to be alarmed, this will only do yo good in da hood.

5. Sweden will produce 100% more cool kick-ass music vids – and ima gonna star in all of ‘em.

6. All da lazy ass clinomaniacs out there will have to harden da fuck up, get outta bed – and DO SOMETHING (*Clinomania – excessive desire to stay in bed/a lazy ass person that stays in bed all the time and has an obsession with their bed).

7. And now for da lucky no 7 predictión: 2014 will be an awesome epic blast. Word on dat one muttafukkas.

2+0+1+4=7, which also happen’s to be this lil’ gangstas lucky # !!! You did not seriously expect me to predict 2014 things??? C’MON – I’ve got an ultra-exciting life to live FTWWW!!! Enjoy the last day of this year and get PUMPED bout da year ahead. Like da good ol’ gangsta Albert said; “keep movin‘”! See ya’ll next year – stay tuned.

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Mother Mary and her divine intervention adventures (or how it’s very gangsta to mix glögg and Irish Coffee galore)

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So, having a blast at ma Danish Brossie X-mas galoreness. Lotsa amazing food & drinks together with ma fav Danish family. To use a bit of a christmassy expression, I’d like to say Ima feelin’ quite blessed. Hope ya’ll equally blessed at this very muchly festive season time of da year. As per usual I have something I’d like to raise some awareness about, ‘tis time of da year it’s quite a holy topic. YES. It’s not yo mother I’d like to talk about at this specific time of da mo, and it’s not mother T either. To put it simply, I wanna talk to yo ass bout Jesus’ mum. Yup. Mother Mary is of da essence right ‘bout now!

Apparently this woman, (Jesus’ mum, Mother of God, Saint Mary, Blessed Virgin Mary, JM (Jesus Mum duh), the holy Mother, the Mum of all Kings, the Mother of da Virgins, MG (Motha Gangsta AKA Motha Galore)… you get ma drift. As we say in Sweden town “Kärt barn har många namn” – which means a kid who’s popular/loved/liked carries lotsa names. Now, I’m aware that in this instance, Virgo Mary is referred to as a mum, not a child. But it’s important to remember that every mother was once a child. And that, my dear, is a FACT.

Have to start this off with a blast from da past. When ma bestie and I was 14, we were introduced to da idea of non-intercoursenal preggo stuff through a book. In this particular book a woman got preganant from eating a lingonberry. Ma bestie and I found this hilare, and laughed, even more than usual I must admit, and then laughed some more. Our whole class was outraged and left a, not so secret letter, in ma locker. Saying they’re outraged how immature we were etc. This, naturally, made us laugh some more. Don’t think ma tummy has ever been as tight as it was this week. I was FIT. Anyhoo, this mystery of divine interventions and virgin pregnancies is not only massive amounts of BS, but also, (as massive amounts of BS tends to be), quite interesting.

Recently read an article on da American Marys’ side of da whole thing. (YES, still pushing fo yo lazy ass to click on da ellagangstaextensions). Anyways, Mary (mother of Jesus) was obviously experiencing some miraculous conceivement, very much thanks to da power of da holey spirit. Big up to dat one I say. And, as it turns out, there are some Marys out there still today, (clearly no sperm in THOSE fringes, for some very obvious reasons… or?). Either way, turns out ONE in every TWOHUNDRED young American women have had their own lil’ divine interventions. Does this mean they all gave birth to a new Jesus me wonders? Very good, and hard to answer, question indeed, if I may say so maself. Perhaps it’ll be ma NY-resso to ponder about, and eventually hope to find an answer to it. Other questions this naturally calls for are:

–       Do we need another Jesus?

–       Can there be too many Jesuses?

–       Did Jesus exist?

–       Does Jesus exist?

–       How many Jesuses are there really?

–       What does Baby-Cheezes got to do with it?

–       What sort of BS/miracle is a virgin pregnancy really – is it, perhaps, the definition of BS? Or a true, Cheezes miracle?

–      And last, but very much not least, am I Jesus? And if so, is Virgin Motha Mary really a man – who can only get preggo divine interventio style due to his genetical challenges when it comes to carrying a Jesus-foetus?

So many questions, so lil’ time… gotta go back and play some more board games now. Ultra-exciting life is mos def virgo preggo. Party. Stay tuned.

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NO undies (or how I got inspired by Luis Suarez and finally scored)

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So, today Ima headin back to Danish land fo some Brossie Chrissie-good-times. Therefore I had to, yet again, get dat dirrrrttttay laundry clean one time. Fuck, even I’m gettin a bit bored with that one now…. So in true ellagangsta fashion I decided to spice it up one time, and this is what happened:

– Got home and took ma undies off

– Looked fo some good lookin’ meat in ma laundry room

– Spotted the one with da biggest … smile … and said “how u doin, Ima wearing NO undies”…

Turns out he was doin’ fine and da rest is history. So yep, I’m extra lucky today. If yo is feelin’ yo wanna score some fresh meat too, please follow above steps accordingly.

Now, more important matters at hand, it turns out ma blog has kinda sophisticated stats given to me, when I care to look at ’em. From these lil’ insights in how you read ma blog, there is one thing that particularly been bothering me of late. Let me explain, or rather ask yo in a perfectly fine gangsta-fashion; Why the fuck don’t you do yourself a favour and click on da amazing, groundbreaking, worth-yo-while, and always qualitative ellagangstaextensions???

Here is a lil’ sample of today’s ellagangstaextension…:

So apparently monster porn is kinda huge deal for all da sexually deprived fuckers out there. I don’t really get it, but big-selling titles such as “Bigfoot Did Me From Behinda and I Liked It“, “Alien Seed“, “The Horny Leprechaun“, “Cuckwolfed” and “At the Mercy of the Boar God” kinda speak for themselves. However, there is a twist to these bestiality-loving writers and their relationship with every self-publishers’ partner in crime, that partner being Amazon. You should mos def read this article, here’s a lil’ quote from one of the animal-sex writers, the rest? Just read it!

“It’s all a facade, of course. My plots are depraved. They’re definitely not for kids or grandmothers. But I put it in a glossy package, so it doesn’t offend anybody who’s just searching through Amazon.”

Ultra-exciting life galore galore galore. And you KNOW IT! Stay tuned.

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Those three words (or let me tell ya how I really feel)

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So, went to Copenhagen this weekend, was a blast, deffo no surprises there. Could tell ya some stuff bout da trip, but probs not so much fun for ya’ll, cause more of an epic bonding experienco with da peeps I spend most of ma time with these days, (one thang but, we did not have da Johnny Cash mo we all wished fo. There simply was not enough cake. Sigh/ugh/semi-fail).

Instead I wanna talk bout those 3 words. Those 3 words that have been very defining aspects of ma life – throughout ma life. I also wanna talk bout the extreme buying/consuming at this time of da year. Hmmmm, which one comes first? Chicken or da egg? That’s one I’ll leave for way laters (or neva). But ya, 3 words first,,, then consuming abuse galore (kinda relates to one of ma 3 words in a wicked way, so if yo get me, you’ll get dat one, and then it’ll be so much betta… and no wokkas, clearly I’ll spell it outta ya, in case yo didn’t get it). Anyhoo, here we go (*EXPLICIT MATERIAL. Don’t read this, if yo is gonna go all anal up ma ass ’bout it – consider yoself warned):

DYSPRAXIA: I’ve always been good with organizing shit. Really good actually. However, when it comes to ma physical movements. Perhaps not da best. This could be caused by a number of diffo reasons. And it was nice, when someone, at some point, diagnosed me with this condition, as opposed to calling me clumsy. Yep, after this weekend, I do not only carry a blue, left butt-cheek, I also dropped a burger on da ground (while sober, c’mon), and walked into several cars… to mention a few incidents. I guess, the lack of normal accuracy, is quite accurate when it comes to me. And it’s been like dat… hmmm, what’s da word for it, find maself quoting Bon Jovi here… “Always“.

AMBIVALENT: So ya, mos def no surprises with this one. I have mixed feelings all da time. About a lotta shit. Think I was bout 13, the first time someone said I was suffering from this particular quality-thang. Yeyo, ma footie coach mos deffo had a good point with this one. I won’t bore yo ass with da deets. (Only cause ima massively relating to sore-ass-issues right now).

Lalochezia – The emotional relief gained from using abusive or profane language. Need I say more. For fucks sake. (And yup. Perhaps the reason I chose to go on about 3 words, was to bring this very last one up….).

So YES, now ima gonna take advantage of da last of ma 3 words and say this. WTF is wrong with you peeps. Stop buying stupid shit for da sake of doin’ it. SERIOUSLY. Do something betta with it. Even if it’s still something fo yoself. Chrissie could be a nice time, when we care about each other, quality time etc. Not highlighting one of da most fucked up aspects of the world we created and live in. We got so much shit. It’s fucking sick. Groce to da O. Just go visit yo friends instead of sending ’em shit. Or sponsor something worthwhile for someone, instead of buying them random fucking shit THEY REALLY REALLY REALLY DON’T NEED. I’m not gonna try to make examples of what is right for you, but if you think about it, there is so many betta things you could do for yoself, the peeps yo love – and the rest of the fucking universe. It is nice to give, best feelin’ in da world…. but it does not have to be material stuff that, if you think ’bout it you, mos def, could do very well without.

Ok, epic rant over, or should I say, no more lalochezia (for tonite).

Have amazing dreams ’bout how yo is gonna spend da rest of yo life (and what you’ll SPEND on). It’s all relative, and it’s all happenin’ right bout NOW, (YEP, NO MATTA WHAT DA PEEPS SAY, IT MOS DEF WON’T LAST FOREVA). (And if yo don’t believe dat, check out tonite’s ellagangstaextension… clearly it happens even to da best… !).

Me, Ima starting some meditatin’ biz in Jan, and also involving maself in some greater causes.… naturally I’ll still enjoy all ma fav denim shirts and sushi items in ma mouth on a regular basis – but hey, we all gotta start somewhere. Right?

Ultra-exciting life, in combo with da emo relief I gained from using abuso & somewhat profo lingo, just made me ultra-tired. Sweet dreams muttafukkas, STAY TUNED.

*and yes. Thought it was time to write da ellagangstablog in a diffo time-zone format for once, hope you can appreciate dat one.

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Good girls go to heaven (Ima goin’ to Copenhagen)

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So, lots goin’ on as per usual. Today I mixed biz with pleasure when I entertained a gangsta client, while putting raw fish items in ma mouth, felt good. More pleasure than biz I must admit.

Tomorrow I wanna go to Copenhagen, doesn’t necessarily make me a bad girl, but yep, that’s what I’m doin. Gonna party it up bt, lookin’ forward to acting like a proper gangsta in Kristiania with ma homies. We’re gonna be in HIGH spirits nd.

Bit of an outrage in good’ol Aussie town too. Pretty scary what’s been happenin’ there of late… Latest is High Court throws out ACT’s same-sex marriage laws!!

Yep. Pretty fucked. One of ma mates asked a more than semi-valid question today, when he said “what happens if one of the people in the couple have a sex change”? I rest ma case. Who gives a fuck.? REALLY? WELL, CLEARLY THE high COURT DOES. FUCKED. UP. Gonna move on from this one now… toooo disturbing.

What about tonite you may wonder? I don’t blame you. Can’t imagine what it’d be like not to be me. Fucking boring I presume… So ya, thank fuck I don’t have to worry bout that one. Tonite I raced home AW and supa-quickly packed for the ultra-early trip tomoz. Then I headed out to a party in anotha hood, lotsa homies, music, some coolio homie-rappers and massive illegal shit in general. Some good times fo sho. And now Ima goin’ to bed with a homie who insists on bein’ mentioned in ma blog. Anotha broe, from anotha hoe, basically. Need to get into that bed right bout now.

Also, got a new nick-name in ma office hood;PPC HOE. Kinda like it cause it makes me sound like a real PRO. Word on that one mf’s. Ultra exciting life keeps on rollin’. Stay tuned.

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