Monthly Archives: January 2015

Make sure yo wash yo hands before yo play with da pussy (or how Coolio sets da record straitUP)

GangstaMouth

Yo yo yo yooooo – what up bitches? All good in ma hood!

Ze questión of da day is – did yo wash yo hands today? Cause our good bro CooliO gotsa some words to say ’bout dat one. No surprises there as I like to say, although, on this one… yeyo, lil’ bit surprising to say da least.

As yo all know I’ve touched (ON) (I WISH) Coolio before. He’s a very fascinatin’ character to say da least. Ima sure all of yo remember ma biographic version of “Gangsta’s Paradise” a while back, quite epic, if I may say so maself.

Anyhoo, this amazo gangsta dude is naturally at it AGAIN – PORNHUB is da context. So ya, lemme keep it short. Or. Hmmm. I’m not a man of a few words. FACT times 2:

1. I’m not a man

2. I very rarely use, what one would refer to as “few words”

But ya, will try to not go on and on and on like some sorta shitty over-produced BS song.

Ima gonna begin with a quote, (I’ve noticed most of yos don’t click on ma links, and this article is priceless to say da least, so ya, fo all yo lazy ass gangstas outta there, I’ll try to give yos da best quotes here – BUT still SO worth it to read da whole thang ):

“If I want to see porn, I’ll put a mirror next to my bed,” said no one ever proudly. Apart from Coolio that is. This man is a MACHINE of self destruction. Quite successfully so.

Apparently da wordzzz on da streeetzzz was dat Mr Coolers himself had signed a deal with da Porn-to-da-hub (IMAGINE DAT DEAL!!!!!). But to quote da man himself, “Man, I ain’t trying to make no fuckin’ comeback off some porn.”

CLEARLY. (right there, to yo left, is yo chance to watch this machine and his new vid, apparently he “saw a pussy & a titty” – he’s on FIRE!!!)

Anyhoo, story goes on with him pretty much denying every-FUCKIN’-thang, and bein’ all coolers with himself, sayin’ shit like: “I’m as good as anybody out there lyrically and conceptually and can go toe to toe with the best of them throughout history.” (*debatable).

Anotha fav quote:
“I don’t know where that came from. If they pay me enough money, fuck yeah, I’ll do an album exclusively for Pornhub. At this point in my career, bro, I don’t have nothing to prove to nobody. I’ve proved everything. I just have to prove some shit to my banker. I have to prove to that motherfucker I can put more zeroes in my account”.

Meanwhile in da same fuckin’ interview he says:
I’m never doing a new album.

So ya, Coolio is clearly sendin’ out some mixed messages outta there… FTWWW I guess? Ma guess’s as good as anyone’s I guess (see what ima doin’ here – it makes NO sense what so eva).

But just when yo thought things could not possibly get mo fucked up, vague, and yep. Just go in some sorta wrongish direction… he gives us an explicit insite to how he’s gettin’ old, and his take on da role as a father of his 3 daughters:

“Make sure you wash your hands/Before youuuuuu/Play with the pussy/Play with the pussy/Play play play/Play with the pussy.”] “I have three daughters and I told them if a guy does not wash his hands before he touches you, then he don’t respect you. It’s funny, but it’s also the truth“.

Thank yo for sharin’ da truth with us Mr Coolio. And to all ya dudes outta there, who’s plannin’ a move on Mr Coolers daughters. Wash those hands. Now, during and after (just to be safe).

Gonna go spend some time with ma gangsta mouth now. Ultra excitin’ fo sho. How I roll. Peace OUT and stay tuned FFS.

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Slut (or how all good things come to an end and I predict what’s UP in 2015)

Robust vaginal knitting

So ya, 2014 is slut, (obviously “slut” means end, finished, over, finito in Swedish… Duh), and 2015 has offici-to-da-ally begun. It’s, (no surprises there), already been a blast, involving 27 pieces of amazo sushi in MA MOUTH. So yep, 2015 is looking UP!

And here comes what yo been’ waiting for… Gangsta drum-roll-beat happenin’… ellagangsta’s predictions fo a year that is mos def not (a) slut:

(Unfort I got ma 1st predictión wrong, turns out ma NYE blast kept on keepin’ on a lil longer than humanly possible – sorry ’bout dat!)

1. I predict gangsta-ladies around da world are gonna start knitting through their vaginas. That’s rite! Who would not wanna spend an extensive amount of days (28 for example – or how ’bout all day everyday foreva eva eva eva???) knitting from wool that’s inserted in their vagina??? Let’s face it, if yo ass take a good hard look at a vulva, yo realise it’s just a bit of a body – there’s nothin’ that’s shockin’ or scary, or you know, nothing’s gonna run out and beat yo ass UP.

It’s fairly simple too, stick it UP and pull OUT. It’s a pretty robust area we’re talkin’ ’bout here, so ya, no wokkas on dat 1! If yo keep at it there will also be a couple of special days dat will add that X-tra color to it too (yo is most welcome fo dat tip!) Red is, after all, da color of love.

So ya, let’s spread (PUN INTENDED) some gangsta love and start wovin’ FTWWW. If yo is ready to start knitting through yo vulva, you can watch this clip fo some more instructions and inspiration!

That it’s taken us to 2015 to figure this one out is quite surprising really.

2. Always gotta do a PL prediction, was in fact the only one I got rite last year… not happy bout’ dat one, and will mos def be very happy if ima wrong bout dis one… but yep. Reckon’ groco Chelski will win da Premier League dis year. UGH.

3. Hopful Brewing will keep on keepin’ on makin’ amazo beerios dat I (and everyone else lucky enough to get da honour to try it) love. Apart from perfectin’ ma fav beer Sexytipsy even mo (is DAT EVEN POSSIBLE me wonders???), they’ll also make da world a much better place when they release their soon-to-be-success-and-awesomeness-in-general-deluxe latest additión ellagangsta beer. It’s gonna be some fruitful and nutty flavas in dat one!

4. The gyms will be empty come Feb. #factoflifepresented

5. As fo astro predictions, I can tell yo white ass rite now – all yo dreams will come through in 2015!!! Yep, ima not a deliverererrrer of da bad newzzz in 2015. Epic fiesta and congrats on dat 1 bro. It’s in particular most def gonna be an ultra-easy cosmic cruise through April to September. Just sayin’. #thankSmelaterzzzzbro

6. I will have to get maself a new Mac @ some point. Ma current 1 can barely keep on keepin’ up with ma gangsta blog rappin’skillzzz. #macwanker

7. #7 WILL REMAIN DA BEST numba EVA. EVA EVA EVA EVA. (AND will still follow 6 and precede 8 … ??? !!!).

Alrite, on dat note ima gonna go back to ma ultra exciting life. It’s kinda extra-ultra-excitin’ rite now to be honest. So ya, stay tuned, always mo rappin’ comin’ atcha from this lil’ gangsta! Peace OUT!

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